Love In Silence
by twent47blue
Summary: Have you ever love someone so much that you cannot breath? How about someone you cannot have? Will you settle for one kiss, one breathe, one touch than an eternity without it? I would. English is not my first language, be gentle.


Have you ever missed someone so much that you can't describe it? Have you ever experienced that? How about so much overwhelming happiness, so much, that you are so afraid what will come after it? This much happiness is far from enough. It's stuck in my heart but I don't want to get it out. For once in my life I want to be selfish and keep it all to myself.

I often wonder if I ever deserve someone like you for the way you denied me of your love. You would often brush me off, turn your back on me, like I am some leper with an incurable and disgusting disease. Yet here I remain constantly by your side. Waiting, suffering in silence. For I don't deserve you. Because I stole you from somebody else. But why do you want me here? Why do you make me stay? Only to use me and discard me later on like I am some toy you grew tired of playing with.

Do you know how I hate myself because I love you so much? I can only have borrowed love, because that is all you are capable of giving me. Who am I to complain, I have put myself where I am now. I already knew from the start that you are not mine. That you did not lie, you told me from the moment we met that you're already with someone, but someone who is also so far away and all you can have from him are faraway kisses and long-distance hugs. So I proposed that you use me, you use me to your heart's content. That I would be his substitute, his stand in. I wouldn't get hurt that every time we make love you will cry out his name, that every time you are on the phone with him, I would pretend that I am not there and that I don't exist. That every time you talk to him I am invisible, but I am just your pillow that you satisfy yourself with while you make love to him on the phone.

Do you not see me? Do you not feel me? I am real. I am living. I moan, I cry, I laugh with all the same emotions like everyone else. I lied. I don't think I can do this after all. I was in denial from the start, that I am alright that I would be just your playmate and room mate and nothing more. Because somewhere in the back of my head, I thought, I hope, I have a wishful thinking that somewhere down the line you will fall for me too. That after I shower you with all my love, I can win your heart in the end. That I am here. That I love you more than anyone else that could love you. Even more than him.

I have sworn to keep loving you until my last breath. If you deny love can you deny longing? Do you not see me? Do you not feel me? Can you not touch my love? Can you not breathe in all the sacrifices I made in your name?

Only the breathe that separate us. Only the time that we share together. Only friends that we are. But its too far away. Too far away from my heart to keep. Deep feelings inside of me I hold but I can never once revealed.

Will you ever hold me?

Will you ever lay your eyes on me?

Our relationship what exactly would it be, what am I really in your eyes?

It's the truth that I want to know. It's stuck in my heart and I cannot get it out. I'm so afraid what your answer would be. I'd rather that you lie so you won't hurt me. I'd rather continue playing this silent charade than hear the words and voices and shatter my illusion completely. It's better not asked, because if posed, it might shatter me, shatter this glass bubble that we based our relationship in.

I needed to understand him. I needed to give him all the love that he deserves. That even if I am just a substitute, I am happy that I am the one there, feeling him, seeing him, tasting him, and needing him. This glass bubble that we live in is not the only world that he knows, he has his other life, his other world. He has his own small little space that he wants to stay in when he is virtually with him. I'm not the only one who exist there, there is him. The world that he shares with him, it's a world that I don't know about.

I really want to be locked with him in his world.

There was a time I wanted to ask him which part of his heart am I staying in now? Am I in there somehow? Do I have a personal space in there, even just a little bit?

Those unanswered questions, sometimes I just stay mute, and just ask his body directly for the answers.

Let me be yours. Those were the first words I said to you when it was time for us to part ways. He told me the truth and yet I don't want to let him go. I so made him stay, he wouldn't. So I asked if I could stay. He asked me to convince him if I am worthy enough to stay.

The fact that I like you is as necessary as breathing. I just hope that he finds happiness. Even if I have to give up our world so he can have his. If he doesn't his wound of longing will get deeper. Each time I hold him, I don't want to add to his pain. I want to be your happiness, your smile. I want you to forget everything and only see me. Even if the minute you get up from this bed, I would be nothing once more. Even if the phone rings, I would resume back to my former role as your room mate and secret substitute.

I was the one who hurt you. I was the one who stole you from him. You pretend that the guilty one was you, you said you led me on, you did no such thing. I asked for this. All the hurt and the pain I brought this on myself without your help.

The only body that I want to enter is yours. In the end, we carved our pain in each other. Voice out our unspoken hurt with the rhythm of our movement, voice out our anger with every thrust and every moan.

You had these conditions from the start. Don't ever lie, steal or cheat. If you must steal, steal away all my sorrows. If you must lie, lie with me for the rest of my life. If you must cheat, cheat them because I cannot live without you. And foolish me followed all these conditions to heart. I did not lie, steal or cheat but you did all these things to me without even batting an eyelash. Like it is a natural thing, like changing your shirt or getting up in the morning. No remorse, no regret.

The first time I met you, the first time I set my eyes on you, I fell in love. I never realized how important you are to me, not when I saw you cry, not when I felt you flinch at my touch. I was so hurt. I was so confused, I have all these overwhelming emotions and I do not know how to convey them to you.

To me, you are like life. Like water. Like air. Like light. You are also like a voice, like words on paper. You are everything to me that has meaning. Like love. You are the meaning of that word to me, even if you are not mine to have. To me you are love. Not only the one that I love, but you are the very world itself. My covenant. My creed, my rule, nirvana, my mantra, my sutra, you are my every command, and all I can do is follow you.

Without you there is nothing. Empty. Blank. Darkness. Nothing. I love you. That is given. Like I know my own name. I would continue loving you even in the ink on this paper fade away, even if you tell me that the charade is over, even if we never cross paths again. Even if I reached my fork on the road. Even if I have reached the place where I am suppose to go. As my last breath, my last thought, the last name on my lips, would be and yours. You and only you. And this is how I love you in silence.


End file.
